Today's jokes [1.13.21]
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How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "
The Cop Quiz
(This article originally appeared in Putsch Electronic Magazine.)
Are you ready to be pulled over? Are you prepared to hand over
your license and registration in the middle of the night to a prejudiced
pig who doesn't like you or your Dead Kennedys bumper sticker? Take this
simple quiz and find out!
Listed below are several questions asked by a cop who has just
pulled you over. Below the questions are several possible responses.
Choose the best response to each. Check your answers at the end.
1. Do you know why I'm pulling you over, son/maam?
a. No, sir.
b. Because you're lonely?
c. To ask me if I have any Grey Poupon?
d. Because I ran down that old lady in the wheelchair?
e. Because you wanted a donation to your police station? (Handing him
a fifty or two)
f. Because of the Stealth Bomber I have in tow?
g. Because I'm pedaling too fast?
h. Because I'm Ice-T?
2. Can I see your license and registration?
a. Yes sir. (handing them over)
b. Can I see your high school diploma? Oh, I forgot...you're a cop.
c. Wanna see pictures too? (pulling a string of family photos out of
your wallet) Here's my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my friend, my
dog, my toilet, your mom bent over with a light bulb in her...oh,
how did THAT picture get in here?
d. I don't have a license, and this car is stolen.
e. (pull it out and read it to him veeeery slowly, not ever handing
it to him)
3. Would you mind stepping out of the car?
a. Of course, sir. (getting out)
b. What? In this weather?
c. Are you kidding? I'm too drunk to stand up!
d. First, repeat after me: "I realize that you are not Rodney King."
e. This is a motorcycle, dumbass.
4. Walk along this line.
a. Yes sir. (walking the line)
b. No thanks...I just snorted one.
c. Duuuude...which one? The wavy one, the colorful one, or the one
in the middle that's laughing at me?
d. Are you sure you wouldn't rather I skip merrily in a figure eight?
5. You call that a straight line?
a. Yes, sir.
b. Well, officer Pythagoras, the only way YOU could see a straight
line is by looking at your own brain wave pattern! (NOTE: This is
stolen from Emo Phillips)
6. Do you want to spend the night in jail?
a. No sir.
b. What are they serving for dinner?
c. That depends. Are YOU gonna be there, big fella? (smiling
d. Do the cells have ESPN?
e. Sure! I haven't seen your mom in months!
7. Hey, that's my car! Don't pee on that!
a. Yes, sir (zipping up)
b. Yes, sir (turning around and peeing on him)
Give yourself 13 points for each time you answered "a".
Give yourself 83 points if you answered "e" for #1.
Give yourself 346 points if you ignored #7 because it isn't going to happen.
Give yourself 8,425 points if you RECOGNIZED answer "b" of #5 from an Emo
Give yourself 24,983 points if you skipped right over this scoring section.
Subtract your score from your score to get the IQ of an average racist LAPD
Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and
reminiscing about old times.
One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He had his dick stuck in the chicken.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
"The guy was your doctor."
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