Today's jokes [1.12.21]

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A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured
hair that's green, purple and orange.  His clothes are a tattered mix of
leather rags.  His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes.
 His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring
are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly
across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
 Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are
you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were
young?"
 Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I was young
and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with
a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son."

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as 
he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped 
the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,
"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and 
Easter?"
He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. 
"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are
complaining that they can never reach me." 
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" 
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did
the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." 
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" 
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." 
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" 
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving
around, my zip code keeps changing."

   A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife
   answers.
   
   " Hi, is Tony home?"
   
   " No, he went to the store."
   
   "Well, you mind if I wait?"
   
   " No, come in."
   
   They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the
   greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I
   could just see one."
   
   Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a
   hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks
   her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
   
   They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful
   I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks
   if I could just see the both of them together."
   
   Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and
   gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred
   bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
   
   A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your
   weird friend Chris came over. "
   
   Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the
   200 bucks he owes me?"
   

"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend.
"I gave a poor beggar $25."
"Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your 
husband say?"
"He said, 'Thank you'. "

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