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Today's jokes [6.30.20]

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    As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming
   as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for
   months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn,
   etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No
   dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not
   tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for
   months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a
   rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the
   father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching
   at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
   He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord
   threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and
   punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his
   dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden
   area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed
   home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let
   the dog out.
   Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the
   house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog.
   Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to
   face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into
   his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he
   was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage.
   Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.
   After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one
   morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck. "We're
   moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood." "Why? What
   happened?" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: "Some sick bastard dug
   up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put
   it back in its cage."


   A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
   On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
   begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
   drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
   using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
   shark-infested sea to a remote island.
   Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
   head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
   She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
   his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
   get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
   and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
   He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
   Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
   together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
   they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
   they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
   Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
   "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
   together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there
   anything I can do?"
   He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my
   "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she
   puts it on.
   "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
   "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
   "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
   face?" he asks.
   "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
   Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
   She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
   the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
   minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
   says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"


   A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
   mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
   farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
   but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back
   to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
   the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
   forward saving him from sinking!
   A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow
   again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to
   the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I
   think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of
   the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
   the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
   The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
   Mercedes to pick up a chick.


Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding? 

     No more blowjobs. 


A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the 
beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging 
the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the 
shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on 


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