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Today's jokes [6.29.20]

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In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that 
indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature 
bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing 
firemen's helmets. 

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. 
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind 
the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, 
yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything 
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the 
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her 
finger at a particular passage. 

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The 
three wise men came from afar.'"


Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup
with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into
the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her!
I'd recognize her anywhere!" 


What's the difference between mayonaise and sperm?
Mayonaise doesn't hit the back of a girls throat at 40 mph.


Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?
A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-start
their new submarine.


"Jim will not be in today.  He is not feeling himself.  Thank you."


1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness
   to fake.
10. He is feeling others.

:) by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick Gass


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