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Today's jokes [6.23.20]

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Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong?
What's the emergency?"

"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some
terrible news for you. It's disfigured."
"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?"
"Follow me, sir."

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first
door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.
Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"
The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.
Follow me, please."
They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.
Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"
"No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."
Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.
"Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?"
"Not your child, sir. Follow me."

One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to
enter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.
"This is your child, Mister Smith."

Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse
than this!? But...It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him 
with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies..."

"Sir, it's deaf."

1. 




What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?

A salad shooter.

2. 




   A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to
   his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
   
   Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to
   say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?


3. 




A husband said to his wife
"Get your coat on love, it's time to go to the pub."
She replied "But you NEVER take me out."
"I'm not," said the husband,
"but I'm turning the heating off before I go."

4. 




A guy says, "I remember the first time I used
alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my
penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

5. 



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