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Today's jokes [6.12.20]

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What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?

Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...


   A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing,
   wondering what he would be
   wearing underneath. "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him.
   "Why don't you
   take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the
   kilt.then let it go,"Oh,
   it's gruesome!" "Well, why don't you take another look, it just
   grew-some more."


                         Certificate of Upgrade to
                              Complete Asshole

                    Certificate of Upgrade


                       Complete Asshole

                        is awarded to


In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss

People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total

Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many

Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others

During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own


To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole

Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction.  If Anyone, For Any

Reason, Doubts Your Status,

                      JUST BE YOURSELF!

Effective Date _________________  Signed _____________________


   Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
   Indians. After a
   tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in
   his headdress, "Why
   the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?" His
   reply was, "Me have only
   one sqaw, me have only one feather." She asked another Brave, feeling
   the first fellow
   was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He
   replied, "Ugh; me
   have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not
   convinced the number of
   feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to
   interview the Chief.
   Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to
   say, amused Ms.
   Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in
   your headdress?"
   The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fuck-em
   all. Big, small, fat,
   tall. Me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be
   hung!" The Chief
   replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like
   snake." Ms. Walters
   cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!" The Chief replied,
   "Hoss-style, dog-
   style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!" With tears in her eyes,
   Ms. Walters cried,
   "Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high
   and fuckers run
   too fast. No fuck deer!"


Q: Why were there only 49 contestants at the Miss Ebonics USA pageant? 

A: No one wanted to stand up and say. . .Idaho... 


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