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Today's jokes [5.8.20]

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For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this 
inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not 
getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the 
bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve
the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

1. 




    The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the
   rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
   was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
   England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why
   did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
   lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
   tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that
   gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same
   jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that
   wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
   they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old
   long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
   So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
   Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
   The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts,
   which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons,
   were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made
   for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel
   spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The
   United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
   from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war
   chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you
   are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with
   it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were
   made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two
   warhorses.


2. 




What did the normal baby say to the test tube baby?

Ha..ha... your dad's a jerk off!

3. 




My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check
for $1,000.00  from the government for not raising hogs.  So I want to
go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

  What I want to know is, in your  opinion,  what is the best  kind of
farm not to  raise  hogs on and what is the best  breed of hogs not to
raise?  I want to be sure that I approach  this  endeavor  in  keeping
with  all   governmental   policies.  I  would  prefer  not  to  raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

  As I see it, the hardest part of this  program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

  My  friend,  Peterson,  is  very  joyful  about  the  future  of the
business.  He has been  raising  hogs for twenty  years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

  If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not  raising  100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small  scale at first,
holding  myself  down to about 4,000 hogs not raised,  which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.

  Now  another  thing.  These hogs I will not be raising  will not eat
100,000  bushels of corn.  I understand  that you also pay farmers for
not  raising  corn and  wheat.  Will I qualify  for  payments  for not
raising  wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000  hogs I am not  going to
raise?

  I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

  Also, I am considering  the "not milking cows"  business, so send me
any information on that too.

  In view  of  these  circumstances,  you  understand  that I will  be
totally  unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

  Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.


Patriotically yours,


Jean Partridge



4. 




Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and 
use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. 
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a 
sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while 
pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint 
to little Suzy and said "Ear" 


5. 



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