Today's jokes [5.8.20]
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For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not
getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve
the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the
rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why
did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that
gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same
jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that
wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old
long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons,
were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made
for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel
spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The
United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war
chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you
are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with
it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were
made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two
What did the normal baby say to the test tube baby?
Ha..ha... your dad's a jerk off!
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check
for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to
go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for
not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to
I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and
use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR.
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a
sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while
pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint
to little Suzy and said "Ear"
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