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Today's jokes [5.2.20]

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A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man 
who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at 
the bowlegged man." 
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a 
person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read 
a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished 
reading the play. 
Finally he finished and his mom took him out again to the mall shopping. 
Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last 
time. 
So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are 
these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

1. 




What are 3 problems about being an egg?

You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your face
is your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.

2. 




Guess what? You're pregnant! 

3. 




   Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
   penis erect, can you
   help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well
   the problem is that the
   muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really
   nothing I can do for
   you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks
   sadly, "And that
   would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the
   muscles from the
   trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks
   about it silently then
   says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex
   again is too much,
   let's go for it."
   Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and
   healing, returned to the Doc
   for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack
   "healed and ready
   for action".
   Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a
   romantic evening for
   his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town,
   anticipating a happy
   conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring
   between his legs that
   continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack
   placed his napkin on
   his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his
   pants, flipped the
   napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and
   then returned to his
   pants!
   His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the
   possibilities, said with a sly
   smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it
   again?" Jack groaned,
   "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
   


4. 




Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of 
balancing his new checking account.  "The bank returned the 
check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo
equipment!"

5. 



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