Today's jokes [5.18.20]
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Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?
Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia?
A: He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for
plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing
alright--but after a few
months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to
look more and more
attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this
poor guy makes an
advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost
bit his leg. One day
the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it
turns out to be a dinghy,
cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman,
unconscious. He drags her
to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to
health. Finally she is
well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for
saving my life. I don't
know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything,
just name it." The guy
thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no
ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions,
undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he
looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your
religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...
I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
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