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Today's jokes [5.17.20]

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What's the best thing about a blow job? 

- The 15 minutes of silence! 

1. 




An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I 
don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market 
crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to 
go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than 
me." So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office 
building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something 
unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just 
happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own 
those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, 
"What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for 
jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I 
kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what 
has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this 
good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."

2. 




he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas



     On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
       festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,

TWELVE    males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
          drumming,

ELEVEN    pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
          up of members in good standing of the Musicians
          Equity Union as called for in their union contract
          even though they will not be asked to play a note...),

TEN       melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
          patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE      persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT     economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
          milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,

SEVEN     endangered swans swimming on federally protected
          wetlands,

SIX       enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman
          animal products,

FIVE      golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced
          domestic incarceration,

 (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened
  to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
  hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native
  habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the
  remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR      hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE     deconstructionist poets,

TWO       Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed
          tree carcasses,

...And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.



3. 




Two men are meeting on the street.
"It was very cold this morning."
"How cold was it?"
I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyer
with his hands in his own pockets."

4. 




A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. 
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could 
get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for 
only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from 
Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots 
of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people 
decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, 
and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply 
again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. 
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the 
cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the 
cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all 
day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi 
what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our 
cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left 
and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the 
right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow 
from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said 
we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

5. 



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