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Today's jokes [5.13.20]

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A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the
delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top
of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says
to the doctor, "Are you my dad?". 

The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby pops
right back inside. 

"Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push
through again. 

"Are you my dad?", asks the baby. 

"No, I am your doctor.", he replies. 

Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. 

The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's father
in here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!". Moments
later the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's head
once again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father. 

The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!" 

The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead
with his index finger--"How do you like that?" 

1. 




Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The 
second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the 
first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and 
trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding 
her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy 
laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I 
was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It 
blew my neighbor's house apart!"

2. 




   A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
   their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
   could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
   thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
   concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
   your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
   grapes and some doughnuts."
   
   "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
   the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
   Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
   retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
   
   "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
   room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
   'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
   the doughnut."
   
   The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
   wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
   see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
   not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
   the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
   
   Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
   not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
   ever be. I cannot help."
   
   The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
   Browns, now please, please help us."
   
   "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
   stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
   Cheerios..."


3. 




What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one? 

Between you and me we could make a lot of money!

4. 




A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.
He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.

When they're done, he said, "I'm afraid my
Finnish isn't too good."

The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all
that hot either."



5. 



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