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Today's jokes [5.12.20]

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Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of 
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government 
of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, 
"It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with 
U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". 
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public 
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be 
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" 
accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United 
States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the 
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He 
went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer 
Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times 
the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did 
say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at 
Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be 
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". In 
addition, Gates said, all state and local branch governments will have to renew their licensing
agreements with the new Microsoft Federal Government in order to keep current liberty rights 
intact. "It's not anti-competitive, only acting as any capitalist soverign would toward lesser 
competitors."

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't
deny that discussions are taking place".

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be 
able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft 
products.

About Microsoft:

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal 
computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services 
for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and 
more  enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free 
society every day.

About the United States:

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of 
the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered
in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. 

1. 




During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as 
they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. 
Heil Hitler!" So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully 
went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months 
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She replied, "In a few 
weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"

2. 




Like, A Totally California State Residency Application...
   man...
   Name:
   (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
   "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

   Age: _____________

   Inner Child's Age: _______

   Age in Dog Years: _______

   Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________
   Sex:

   _____ M   _____ F

   _____ Hermaphrodite

   _____ Still working it out in therapy

   Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot
   Condition of Feet:

   ____ Wash Daily   ____ Wash Weekly

   ____ Like, whenever I get to
   the beach, man...
   Occupation:
   ___ Massage Therapist
   ___ Astral Counsel
   ___ Pet Psychologist
   ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not
   merely Grateful)
   ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
   ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
   ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie
   burritos" at concerts
   ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry
   Garcia
   ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
   ___ Rent-A-Mob protester
   ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
   ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
   ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
   ___ LA rock star groupie
   ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
   ___ Professional Emotional Victim

   Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________
   Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):

   ____ Astral Soulmate

   ____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
   rent
   was cheap

   ____ My dog's massage therapist

   ____ "Just Friends"

   ____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
   as
   tax deduction(s)

   Number of Children in Commune: _____

   Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
   Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of

   Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

   Mother's Name: ____________________   Father's Name: ____________________

   Where were you were conceived:

   ____ Woodstock   
   
   ____ Monterey

   ____ Under the stars on in the commune's
   hot tub

   ____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the
   way to a Dead show
   Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:

   Number of copies sold: ____

   Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____
   Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on
   wind chimes: ___

   Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

   Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____
   Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:

   ____ Donahue   ____ Ricki Lake   ____ Geraldo   ____ Sally Jesse
   ____ The morning news' surf report

   Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

   Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____

   Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on
   tour")

   Number of bongs you own: ____
   Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:

   Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have
   personalities)

   ____ Green Party
   ____ American Communist
   Party
   ____ Socialist Party
   ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
   ____ Hemp Party
   ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse
   Hotline Party
   ____ New Age Goddess Party

   How far is your home from the waterline:
   ___ Miles
   ___ Yards
   ___ Feet
   ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in
   true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

   Number of surfboards owned: ____
   Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",

   "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
   totally don't know)


3. 




Did you hear the latest theory about Monica Lewinsky?

It may never be proven but they think she may be the
youngest woman to have ever held the Presidency. 

4. 




One day a boy asks his dad,
"What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" 
Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."
He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she
was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that
brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy." 
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and
furry it is?" 
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt." 

5. 



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