Today's stories [3.8.20]
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[The bloopers found below are said to be written by actual students and are
"genuine, authentic, and unretouched." They were compiled by Richard
Lederer, and appear in the 12/31/95 edition of "National Review" magazine.]
It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold
by young scholars around the world:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the
animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a
ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let
himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the
Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned
in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who
was, by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife.
This is called monotony.
There's just no pleasin' some women at all. Just the other day I was
trying to read the paper and naturally, my wife picked that moment to
begin a discussion. I heard her say "...and then I went to see Dr.
Gibbons." I grunted a reply, and she raised her voice saying, "Are you
listening to me?"
I put the paper down and said, "Yes sweetheart, I heard every word.
You said you went to see Dr. Gibbons. So... how is he ???"
Would y'all believe she didn't talk to me the rest of the evening ?
In Melbourne (Australia) one of the radio stations paid money, $100 to
$500, for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This morning's
one netted the proud owner $300.
As the lady said...I was due later that week for an appointment with the
gynecologist, when early one morning I received a call from his office
that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45
already. The trip to his office usually took about thirty five minutes, so
I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do I'm sure, I like to take
a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time
I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs,
threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in
"that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I
was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the
waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the
procedure, as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over
at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other
place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he
said, "My... we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't
we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of
relief and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some shopping,
cleaning, the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old
daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the
bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get
another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was
here by the sink - It had all my glitter and sparkles in it".
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