Today's poems [3.17.20] Vote for the poem that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to poem categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your poem reading.
A musician who lives in Bangkok Has fiddle strings tied to his cock. When he gets an erection, He plays a selection From Johan Sebastian Bach.
The Killer's Apology Here I sit, upon death row Electrodes fastened to my toes. And though I know that I must die I think I should apologize To those I know that I have wronged, Beaten, strangled, stuck with prongs It was not what I really meant All those deaths were accidents. I did not mean to murder Sam Though I beat him with a ham. He said the meat was much too dry So I used his head to tenderize. And I did not mean to dispatch Sue by filling both her lungs with glue. I should have known there were better Ways for us to stick together. I have to say I quite regret Defenestrating my pal Chet. But really, how was I to know That window wouldn't just stay closed? Becky's death -- a random fluke; My prints were planted on that flute. And though they searched high and low They never found that piccolo. I spare a moment for good ol' Jake Who I deposited in the lake. I always thought that he could swim; I guess the restraints are what did him in. And oh, how I do miss Peter Though I stuffed him in a water heater. He might not have made it in this verse If I hadn'ta stuck him in head first. Bonnie, my bonnie, my, what a lass! Taken down by methane gas. If I only knew then what I know now: Don't ever mess with a farting cow. And I'll admit, the point is moot Albert I did electrocute. Children, never take this risk: Water and toasters just don't mix. Wendy was an awful neighbor But I'm sorry about the elevator. I did not know she was in the thing When I snipped the cable like a string. I'd like to remember my good friend Drew Who I served up in a barbecue. It was his idea, really, because you see He always liked to say "Eat Me." I think I was misunderstood When I tied up Katie in those woods She always said she liked the bears So I put honey in her hair. Alan claimed he was a jock So I crushed him with a rock. His boast that he was made of steel Was something rather less than real. No one was more surprised than Joan That ferrets stripped her to the bone. Reflecting, I see I was foolhardy To place bacon up and down her body. Mike had on an amazing grin When I set him in liquid nitrogen. I did not do so for the hell of it; I wanted to put him in his element. Bob declared I was a buffoon; I set him aloft in a weather balloon. But there is not one who felt more grief When that balloon popped at 45,000 feet. Jeremy was timid, Jeremy was shy I placed him in an oven and set it on fry. I should have known better, that this was not The way to help women to think he was hot. So you see every death was quite accidental I would not blame you if you thought I was mental. But I would say that it is rather as such: My problem was just that I cared too darn much. Now here I go, to meet my God And all of my friends that I put in the sod. I have just one wish, if you lean close to hear: It's to help them up there as I helped them down here. -- John Scalzi copyright(c) John Scalzi John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
A young lady from South Carolina Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina. What, with proper sized cocks, Once was sex, became Bach's Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor.
Ultimate Haiku The only problem with Haiku is that you just get started and then - Author unknown
The Night Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the house, Everybody felt shitty, Even the mouse. With mom at the whore house And Dad smoking grass, I'd just settled down For a nice piece of ass. When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my piece To see what was the matter. Then out on the lawn, I saw a big dick, And I knew in a moment That it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney Like a bat out of hell, And I knew right away That the fucker had fell. He filled all our stockings With pretzels and beer, And a big rubber dick For my brother, the queer. He rose up the chimney With a thunderous fart; The damn son of a bitch Blew the chimney apart! He swore and he cursed, As he rode out of sight, "Piss on you all, And have a hell of a night!"
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