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Today's jokes [3.22.20]

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Why do men take showers instead of baths?

Pissing in the bath is disgusting. 

1. 




Q: What do the Chinese call a 69?
A: Two can chew!!

2. 




The Latest Breaking News on the GoodTimes Virus


   It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very
dangerous after all.  Goodtimes will re-write your hard
drive.  Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are
even close to your computer.  It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes
melty.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to
play.

  It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.  It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.  It will drink all
your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
company comes over.  It will put a dead kitten in the back
pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when
you are late for work.

   Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.  It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets.  It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows
while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing
the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

    It will seduce your grandmother.  It does not matter if
she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

   It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you
can't find it.  It will kick your dog.  It will leave
libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous and terrifying
to behold.  It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

   Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave
the toilet seat up.  It will make a batch of Methamphetamine
in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove
while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new
snowblower.


3. 




A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next
   to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
   notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
   about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
   statistics. It identifies that American Indialns have the longest
   average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the
   way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto
   Kowalski, nice to meet you."


4. 




The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone 
rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When 
he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good 
news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" 

"Honestly?" 

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time 
like this?"

5. 



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