Today's jokes [3.19.20]

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Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob !

Good News, Bad News, Worse News

  Good: 
        Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
   Bad: 
        You can't find your birth control pills
 Worse: 
        Your daughter borrowed them

A husband from Long Island, kissed his wife goodbye and got into his 
Cadillac to drive to work in New York City. He'd gone about a mile when
he remembered that he'd left something in the bedroom. So he turned the 
car around and drove back home.
When he walked into the bedroom, there was his wife, lying totally nude on 
the bed and the neighbor standing totally nude beside her.
The quick-thinking neighbor promptly went into a squatting position on the 
rug and said, "I'm glad you're here, Mr. Jones, because I was just telling 
you wife that if she doesn't pay the milk bill, I'm gonna shit all over 
the floor."

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, 
he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until 
reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, 
jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a 
couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with 
pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's 
time to tell our little turtle he is adopted." 

How are a blonde's legs like cheese wiz? 

     They're both useless unless they're spread! 

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