Today's jokes [3.14.20]
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A MAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for
work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all
patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries.
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her
off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining
what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women"
online. Pass gas.
A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies
when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes
between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"
He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side."
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours
to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long
cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only
had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling," she replied.
And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and
says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He
taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only
have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps
her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering
you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it
one more time?"
She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You
know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"
What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
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