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Today's jokes [2.9.20]

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A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny 
little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the 
bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug."
After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what 
incredible eyesight you have!"


These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day 
Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some 
sex so you oughta let me fuck you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!" Larry
went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin 
and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and 
finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong 
reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told 
Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it 
feels good start singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, 
Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......


   Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
   One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her,
   "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our
   cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's
   stall. You show him where it is."
   The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man
   arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
   She says, "This is the one, right here."
   The man says, "How do you know?"
   Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
   The man says, "What's the nail for?"
   Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."


A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist:
"I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"


This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by 
herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the 
dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, 
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the 
compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hardon, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy 


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