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Today's jokes [2.14.20]

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What does a camera and a condom have in common?

They both capture that magic moment.

1. 




An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating
for several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy,
"We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two
rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate
food and cooking separate meals. We should just
move in together. 

Betsy: Whose house would we live in? 
Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for. 
Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on? 
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine. 
Betsy: Who would do the cooking? 
Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes. 
Betsy: What about sex? 
Elmer: Infrequently. 
Betsy: Is that one word or two?

2. 




A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through
a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
     A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and
decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He,
too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but
the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting
there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get
out.
     The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the
shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
     He did.

3. 




   It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
   zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
   sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass
   in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
   
   He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
   grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
   excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing
   the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
   
   The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play
   along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
   that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one
   of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear
   the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
   
   ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
   
   Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
   door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell
   HIM you have a headache."
   


4. 




Good News, Bad News, Worse News II

Good: 
        Your son studies a lot in his room
   Bad: 
        You find several porn movies hidden there
 Worse: 
        You're in them

5. 



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