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Today's jokes [2.11.20]

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Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa?
     They couldn't find three wise men!!!

Sent by Spencer

1. 




   A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living
   friends, a Doctor, a
   CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated
   that each one must
   place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his
   final resting place. The
   funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are
   talking over lunch and the
   topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation.
   The Doctor finally
   says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his
   coffin, I kept five
   million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept
   some of the cash. Ten
   million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am
   ASHAMED of you two,
   I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"
   


2. 




A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband 
liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the 
husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that 
morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was 
not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the 
boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside 
the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, 
"Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area 
and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, 
"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and 
write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady 
told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't 
even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the 
equipment!"

3. 




A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for
her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.
She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd
just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past
the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the
preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,
and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was
looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom
of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he
WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't
believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on
display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling
kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,
and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was
starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,
just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that
nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!
This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about
ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but
not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or
golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.
Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As
she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching
look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even
sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading
for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as
lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one
would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets
available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the
toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to
her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to
drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the
box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad
might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it
hurt?)

She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept
winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,
"oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!



4. 




   The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to
   come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed
   his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward
   and say, "Give me all your money...and I need some change in quarters,
   nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was
   the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out,
   "That isn't what I said."


5. 



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