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Today's jokes [2.1.20]

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Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.


A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a
large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.
As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have
some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.
The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep
says anything about me, it's a damned lie!" 


A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside
with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat
calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading
this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's
knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes she'll be eighteen."


   THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a
   young man.
   Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look
   how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two
   hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
   Then the old man gestured at the bar.
   "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed
   that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me
   own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
   Then the old man points out the window.
   "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as
   far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back.
   I nailed it board by board. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
   Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is
   paying attention.
   "But ya fuck one goat . . . "


What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching like hell to get out of that box. 


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