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Today's stories [11.9.20]

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Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: 

    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. 


A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving 
car's sun roof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" 
by dozens of eye witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a 
twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman 
who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw 
twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side 
of the road who she claimed was Jesus. "She started screaming "He's back!, 
He's back!" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof 
of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann 
Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "I was slowing down but she 
wouldn't wait till I stopped," Willams said. She thought the rapture was 
happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the 
sky," he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said 
Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who 
looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume 
party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and 
released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium which then floated up 
into the air. Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several 
of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms 
into the air in frustration, and said "Come back," just as the Williams' 
car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting 
people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, 
who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else. When asked for 
comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too 
weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."


A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
   carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
   "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F _ _ _-UP!" For a moment,
   everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely
   lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because
   he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired
   before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In
   memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved
   "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"



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