Today's jokes [11.22.20]
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A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New
She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a
wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying.
As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant!
Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably
while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother
charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's
going to be?"
The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid
thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm
making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor
money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital.
And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will
receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week." The mother was
taken aback and thought for a moment.
"Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage,
will you give her another chance?"
My mother is a typical Jewish mother.
Once she was on jury duty. . .
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His
father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and
then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's
study where the father said - "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have
brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then
replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson
had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus
had long hair."
The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young
man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she
was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to
the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart
aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his
Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do
that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you
can do when you're old and rich!"
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