Today's jokes [11.19.20]

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What do you call an  intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A rumor 

He said - Since I first laid eyes on  you, I've wanted to make love 
to you really badly.

She said - Well, you  succeeded. 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I
get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!" 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up 
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's
always sound asleep."

A stranger was  seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the
stranger turned to  the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard
that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said
to the stranger "What would you like to  discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.  But let
me ask you a question first.  "A horse, a cow, and a deer all  eat
grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why
do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

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