Today's jokes [11.13.20]
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Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed!
What is long, black, and smelly?
- The unemployment line.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"
Christmas Cookie Ingredients
1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Absolute vodka
Sample the Absolute to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
Absolute again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level
cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 cup butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar, beat again. At this
point it's best to make sure the Absolute is still OK, try another cup,
just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy, break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in 1 cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off
floor... mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Absolut to
check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Who
giveshz a sheet. Check the Absolute. Now shift the lemon juice and
strain your nuts. Add 1 table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Absolute and
make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!!
What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?
Elvis has been sighted.
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