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Today's jokes [11.10.20]

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Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a 
strictly mathematical viewpoint it  goes like this: What makes 100%?  
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people 
who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here¡¯s a little mathematical formula that 
might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M  N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented 
as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take  you:
A-S-S¡ÖK-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will
get you there, Bullsh*t and  Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

1. 




At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched
out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent
white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all
was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and
dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the
most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,
and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their
best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was
a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing
situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a
Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please
don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said
something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

2. 




A doctor's advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm: 

"Use it on every conceivable occasion."

3. 




What is white and flies across the sky? 

                 The coming of the Lord.

4. 




"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angry
biker to one of his buddies. 

"No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore." 

The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"

5. 



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