Today's jokes [10.8.20]
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me --
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell
you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin,
not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for
three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and
while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the
designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
The husband took a quick breath and continued -
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to
the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A wife gets naked and asks her hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor!"
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just
let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins
to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only 500. Is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage
this morning and saw the new models. There was one I really, really
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking 1,500,000."
MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, no more than
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile
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