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Today's jokes [10.13.20]

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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered
dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it
he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and
the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog
walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one
side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the
top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm
gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he
approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and
took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were
full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's
hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind."

1. 




A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." 

"And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

2. 




How To Shower Like a Woman 
 
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice 
stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
 

How To Shower Like a Man 
 
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

3. 




A Letter from Account Receivables

DATE

COMPANY
ADDRESS
CITY, STATE, ZIP

Attention:  _____________________

Dear    ____________________,


Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations!  We are
still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month
ago.  I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was
due over a year ago.  Get real.  If they haven't paid you yet they are
probably not going to.  That is not our problem.

Girl, you are going to go to jail if you don't pay for this check.  We are
not willing to wait any longer for our money.  If I had my way, we wouldn't
sell you any product at all.  You are not a good risk.  We put you on open
account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we put you on COD only and
now are sitting on a check you wrote when you knew damn good and well that
it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.  And I love how you got your
husband involved.  When I made the first phone call, he acted incredulous
that the check wasn't any good.  He had me going!

The prosecutor of our county will be contacting you.  She is really good at
collecting.  Kelly's her name and collecting is her game!

One other point, we will only accept a credit card payment for any
purchases you make with us from now on.  We will let the credit card
company charge you 20+% for as long as it takes for you to pay them. 
Again, not our problem.

Yours truly,


Accounts Receivables

4. 




A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

5. 



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