Today's jokes [1.9.20]
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"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the
heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and
decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As
we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed
a little sign by the side of the track. I tried
to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make
it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round
again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see
what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read
that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached
the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first
nun says, "I`ve never come this way before!" and the
second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"
A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.
He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the
knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.
He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.
The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"
"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And
he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about?
This is a marshmellow!"
"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in
The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the
United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,
and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so
certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's
son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,
son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch
who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not
take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race
of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They
also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also
wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took
the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the
Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his
troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by
Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.
In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died
a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the
father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is
a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all
shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his
plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind
by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was
a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as
Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many
of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which
proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."
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