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Today's jokes [1.5.20]

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What does the snail say when he gets on the turtle?



Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple
Two calves that will never become cows
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything
Twenty nails that won't hold a board
A chest that won't hold linen
Two boobs that won't give milk
Two buns that won't feed anyone
A belly button that won't button
Two balls that won't roll
An ass that won't pull a plow
An organ that won't play music
A cock that won't crow


Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin'
three whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy,
it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's
celebratin', you are.
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating
me first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.
"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself,
here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration
with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,
but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't


Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

     To get away from the noise.



This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website, 
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company,
of course, does not have a sense of humour and made the web department
take it down immediately.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.

In order to protect your new investment; please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey 
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

 1.    [_] Mr.
       [_] Mrs.
       [_] Ms.
       [_] Miss
       [_] Lt.
       [_] Gen.
       [_] Comrade
       [_] Classified
       [_] Other

 First Name: .....................................................
 Initial: ........
 Last Name......................................................
 Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
 Code Name:......................................................
 Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

 2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
 [_] F-14 Tomcat
 [_] F-15 Eagle
 [_] F-16 Falcon
 [_] F-117A Stealth
 [_] Classified

 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......

 4. Serial Number: ...............................................

 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
 [_] Received as gift / aid package
 [_] Catalogue / showroom
 [_] Independent arms broker
 [_] Mail order
 [_] Discount store
 [_] Government surplus
 [_] Classified

 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas 
product you  have just purchased:
 [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
 [_] Store display
 [_] Espionage
 [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
 [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
 [_] Was attacked by one

 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
 to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
 [_] Style / appearance
 [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
 [_] Price / value
 [_] Comfort / convenience
 [_] Kickback / bribe
 [_] Recommended by salesperson
 [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
 [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
 [_] Backroom politics
 [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
 [_] North America
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Aircraft carrier
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Europe
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
 [_] Panama
 [_] Africa
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Asia / Far East
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Misc. Third World countries
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Classified
 [_] Iraq

 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to 
purchase  in the near future:
 [_] Colour TV
 [_] VCR
 [_] ICBM
 [_] Killer Satellite
 [_] CD Player
 [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
 [_] Space Shuttle
 [_] Home Computer
 [_] Nuclear Weapon

 10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?  (Indicate
all that apply:)
 [_] Communist / Socialist
 [_] Terrorist
 [_] Crazed
 [_] Nice Person
 [_] Democratic
 [_] Dictatorship
 [_] Corrupt
 [_] Primitive / Tribal

 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
 [_] Deficit spending
 [_] Cash
 [_] Suitcases of cocaine
 [_] Oil revenues
 [_] Personal check
 [_] Credit card
 [_] Ransom money
 [_] Traveller's check

 12. Your occupation:
 [_] Homemaker
 [_] Sales / marketing
 [_] Revolutionary
 [_] Clerical
 [_] Mercenary
 [_] Tyrant
 [_] Middle management
 [_] Eccentric billionaire
 [_] Defence Minister / General
 [_] Retired
 [_] Work At Post Office

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups and
mysterious consortia.  As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will 
be  registered to win a brand new F-117A in our War Not Peace Sweepstakes!


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