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Today's jokes [1.13.20]

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A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman 
who has just passed away.  At the end of the service, the 
pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally 
bump into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually 
still alive.  She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the 
end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out
the casket.  As they are walking, the husband cries out, 
"WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

1. 




THREE GAY GUYS WERE ALL IN A CAR CRASH AND DIED. ALL THREE GUYS WERE CREMATED.

THERE BOYFRIENDS WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO WITH THE ASHES.

THE FIRST BOYFRIEND SAID I AM GOING TO SKY DIVE AND SPREAD HIS ASHES IN THE SKY BECAUSE 

THATS WHAT HE LIKED. 

THE SECOND GUY SAID I AM GOING TO SPREAD MY BOYFRIENDS ASHES

IN THE SEA BECAUSE IT'S WHAT HE LIKED.

THE THIRD GUY SAID I'M GOING TO PUT MY BOYFRIENDS ASHES IN A BOWL OF CHILI SO HE CAN 

RIP THROUGH MY ASS ONE LAST TIME!!

Sent by ANTHONY

2. 




   A wish for Christmas

   It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the
   mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on
   his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line
   dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas
   lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for
   christmas". "I bet
   you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose
   with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy
   responds"Nope".
   So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again
   touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little
   boy again said"Nope".
   Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to
   himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I
   bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching
   the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of
   the word. Where to the little responds"Nope".
   Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little
   boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"?
   The little boy then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy,
   P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any
   because I can smell it on your finger"!


3. 




"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. 
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" 
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just
tell them straight out that they're going to die." 

4. 




A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you."
"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

5. 



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