Today's jokes [1.12.20]
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A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a
tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and
good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of
sexual sin. “Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!”
One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white baby.
The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the
You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives
birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in
our village. Anyone can see what’s going on here!”
The missionary replies, “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy
yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black
one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say
anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white baby.”
If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton
doing the same?
Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes ?
A. Slow natives.
Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines,
and no Question Seems to be Too Basic
From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994.
Reprinted without permission
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get
her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the
woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman
said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot
pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device
that helps to control the computer's operations.
[boring stuff deleted]
Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies
needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes
exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say
that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly
because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started
charging help-line users.
[boring stuff deleted]
John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura
would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked, 'What power switch?'"
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have
called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."
Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the
mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says
a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his
old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with
the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,
roll it into the typewriter..."
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that
she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer
arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at
Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the
customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell
customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
echnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
couple of geeks."
Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging
parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his
tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and
then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says
he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he
was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's
"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on
the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who
once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic
fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the
man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it
happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell
every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk
him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling
uplifted by the process.
One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As
they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and
turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,
I did not shit my pants." He believes him and they keep riding. As they go
on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo
stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did
not shit your pants?" Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my
pants." He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be
unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets
of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your
pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies
"I thought you meant today!"
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