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Today's jokes [1.10.20]

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There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well- 
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force 
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to 
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a 
big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that 
would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the 
middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change 
the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of 
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him 
erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who 
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we 
just make his legs longer?" 

1. 




John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John 
suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in
and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as
he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is 
that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, 
since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a 
normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have 
saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry

2. 




A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While 
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on 
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even 
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job 
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his 
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his 
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes 
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every 
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, 
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, 
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

3. 




                                 Bonkistry
     
   
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years
by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known
as "Bonkistry."  He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past
him to come up with something like this.  Anyway, one year there were
these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all
of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
final they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the
weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday),
they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time.  However, with their hangovers
and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to
Duke until early monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then,
what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to
him why they missed the final.  They told him that they went up to UVa
for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus.  Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin.  They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points.  "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy."  They
did that problem and then turned the page.  They were unprepared,
however, for what they saw on the next page.  It said:

        (95 points) Which tire?
  


4. 




On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,
this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.
Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy
onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his
pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30
minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking
and quivering. 

     'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew? 
     'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man. 
     Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and
     shaking again.. 
     'Are you sure you're alright sir?' 
     'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make.
     I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring
     a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.' 
     'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?' 
     'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!' 

5. 



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