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Today's stories [9.2.19]

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I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone 
solicitors weren't able to call people at home during dinner hour.
But that doesn't make it any more pleasant.

Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has 
proposed  "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a 
telemarketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time.  The 
three little words are "Hold On, Please."
Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of 
hanging up immediately would make each telemarketing call so time-
consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt.  When you eventually 
hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go 
back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.  
This might be one of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your 
friends.  Three little words that eliminate telephone soliciting.

1. 




There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside 
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex 
for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for 
virgins to marry.

2. 




How to win that war

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us 
for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, 
moisturizer with SPF 15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna and 
drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and 
let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it.

Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff, like grocery 
shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in 
turbans tremble.

We have had our children. We would gladly suffer or die to protect them 
and their future. We would like to get away from our husbands, if they 
haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of 
finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being 
struck by lightening. We have nothing to lose.

We have survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, 
and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost 
a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of 
Afghanistan with no food at all!

We have spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, 
hardware stores, or sporting events----finding bin Laden in some cave 
will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, 
please.... we have been planning seating arrangements for in-laws and 
extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years---we understand 
tribal warfare.

Between us, we have divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is 
for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. 
We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it.... with or 
without the government's help.

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we 
crawl like ants with hot flashes over their godforsaken terrain!!!

3. 



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