Today's jokes [9.9.19]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert
never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on
vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them
all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed.
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great
escapades. "And on the third day..." he began. "No! no! start with the
first day," Everyone yells out in chorus. "And on the third day, " the
private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the
Nuns First Hot Dog
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to
the other, "I hear
that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her
companion replies, "but if
we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor
and they both walk
toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
pleased to oblige and
he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to
unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.
Staring at it for a moment,
she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part
did you get?"
Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were
planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being
an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from
some of the surrounding colleges to attend.
The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that
arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most
The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to
send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"
Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?
A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am,
I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe. - Jackie Mason
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28