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Today's jokes [9.11.19]

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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four. Actually, only one to screw it in.
The other 3 are there to listen to him
brag about the screwing part! 

1. 




   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
   him keep her.


2. 




How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ?

Take them out their wheelchair.

3. 




Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?
A. Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.


4. 




THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, 
SOPHIA, AND HARRIET.  GERTRUDE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE
A BATH."  SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE
HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB.  SHE SAID "WAS
I GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?"  SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE 
DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID, "YOU KNOW, 
GERTRUDE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER."  
AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID, "WAS
I GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?"  HARRIET WAS LEFT 
SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF.  AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA'S REMARK SHE SAID,
"THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD."  "WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR 
OR THE BACK DOOR?"

5. 



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