Today's stories [8.13.19]
Vote for the story that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to story categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your story reading.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, robbers' efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to
find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised
to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked
the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of
vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber
said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second
safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process
continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound
sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained
covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things
in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through
the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you
did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one
more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal
Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to a Worldwide Consulting Company, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers
got several correct answers. The Consulting Company says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to
recent bombings and have raised their security level
from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security
levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that
it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to
"Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to
"elaborate military posturing". Two more levels
remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing
marching songs". They also have two higher levels:
"invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual and the only threat they worry about is NATO
pulling out of Brussels.
By voting you are helping select today's best story. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best stories to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's JokesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31