Today's jokes [8.4.19]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and
besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied
something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she
fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check
stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes
enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing
in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the
car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet
and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody
clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with
her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait
saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be
Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the
engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do
I have to do that?"
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during
confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you
feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."
Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother,
"How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought
us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the
stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnny
handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to
write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my
family for three generations."
A man visits his doctor.
"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls
has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would
die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such
a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient
had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the
operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
"Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to
agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the
doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now
After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the
bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.
Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to
die?", asked the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"
So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and
says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree
"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the
track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time
crouched behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off,
I'm trying to take a shit !"
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31