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Today's jokes [7.5.19]

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In Montana, on the sight where Custer and his men had their asses handed 
to them by the Sioux, a huge mural is to be painted. The artist insists on 
complete secrecy.
When the mural is unveiled it shows an orgy of naked Indians screwing all 
over the prairie, and in the center a cow with a halo. The artist says the 
mural is a rendering of Custer's final thoughts - "Holy cow! Look at all 
them fuckin' Indians!"

1. 




These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they 
would never have anything to do with women again.  They 
were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as 
far north as they could go and never look at a woman 
again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told 
him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one 
year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each 
one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur 
around the hole.  The guyssaid "What's that board for?"  
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no 
women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"  The 
trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you 
don't use themI'll refund your money next year.  "Okay," 
they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said 
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."  
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a 
partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board."

2. 




CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi

   Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am
   vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a
   restaurant.
   When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most
   chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable
   Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I
   always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a
   catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.
   The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the
   first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small
   moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first
   cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure
   chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand
   not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the
   table. The silverware rattles.
   After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the
   bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever
   transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of
   consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate,
   her presumed partner in all things ecstatic.
   "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?"
   No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife
   in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It
   wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same
   relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I
   wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your
   thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused
   look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and
   then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?"
   Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food
   group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual
   swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex."
   Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly
   adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac.
   Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is
   usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of
   chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry
   truffle and the strawberry nougat.
   Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not
   essential to life as we know it.
   Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply
   one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up
   if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get
   substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face
   of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only
   men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I
   enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate
   that it's on.
   Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to
   pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our
   tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come
   Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I
   can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for
   her. Which is close enough.

   copyright(c) John Scalzi

   John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more
   columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
  

3. 




Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that 
you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying 
that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that
you've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear 
those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard 
that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only 
said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

4. 




Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia?

Well God found plenty of guys who liked 
to deal with sheep, but he could'nt 
find three wise men or a virgin.

Sent by Johnny

5. 



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