Today's jokes [7.5.19]
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In Montana, on the sight where Custer and his men had their asses handed
to them by the Sioux, a huge mural is to be painted. The artist insists on
When the mural is unveiled it shows an orgy of naked Indians screwing all
over the prairie, and in the center a cow with a halo. The artist says the
mural is a rendering of Custer's final thoughts - "Holy cow! Look at all
them fuckin' Indians!"
These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they
would never have anything to do with women again. They
were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as
far north as they could go and never look at a woman
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told
him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one
year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each
one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur
around the hole. The guyssaid "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no
women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The
trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you
don't use themI'll refund your money next year. "Okay,"
they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"I caught him in bed with my board."
CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi
Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am
vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a
When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most
chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable
Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I
always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a
catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.
The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the
first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small
moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first
cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure
chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand
not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the
table. The silverware rattles.
After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the
bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever
transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of
consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate,
her presumed partner in all things ecstatic.
"Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?"
No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife
in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It
wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same
relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I
wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your
thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused
look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and
then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?"
Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food
group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual
swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex."
Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly
adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac.
Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is
usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of
chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry
truffle and the strawberry nougat.
Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not
essential to life as we know it.
Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply
one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up
if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get
substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face
of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only
men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I
enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate
that it's on.
Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to
pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our
tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come
Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I
can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for
her. Which is close enough.
copyright(c) John Scalzi
John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more
columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that
you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying
that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that
you've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear
those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard
that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only
said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia?
Well God found plenty of guys who liked
to deal with sheep, but he could'nt
find three wise men or a virgin.
Sent by Johnny
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