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Today's jokes [7.12.19]

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How to hunt elephants -- Lawyer's style

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds
around arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software
lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.

Sent by Alex

1. 




Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf 
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that 
you have the Staff of Life in one hand.  What do you have in the 
other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

2. 




                       Arkansas Governor Application
     
   
First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________
Address (where you live):
Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________
Birthdate(yours):____________________
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )

Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck:
                                  Fuzzy Dice( )  Gun Rack( )  Coon Tail( )
                                  Filled ash tray( )  Used Condoms( )
                                  Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
How far can you throw cow pies?__________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( )
                                       Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( )
                                       Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( )
                      Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife:
                50 IQ Points( )   75 IQ Points( )
                100 IQ Points( )  She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear:
                A Dress( )     Pants( )   Hot Pants( )
                Your Pants( )  Them Lawyer Clothes( )
                Nothing( )     Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Color of wife's hair:  Blonde( )  Red( )  Brown( )  Black( )  Bald( )
Did you understand the previous questions:
                Yes( )   No( )   What does "previous" mean?( )
                Huh?( )  All of the Above( )

Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )
(Check all that    Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( )
 apply)            Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )
Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( )  Been Castrated by a Pig( )
               Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
               Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
               Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )
               Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )
               Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )
               Inhaled( )
Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( )  Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:


Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________
  


3. 




Which of the following doesn't belong?

(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blow job

(D) A blowjob because its possible to beat your meat,
your eggs or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob 

4. 




   There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest
   cities was totally
   destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.
   With that many people
   of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to
   interview everyone.
   The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a
   large cheer went up, and
   there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line
   were curious about
   what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the
   front of the line,
   "what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count
   fucking."
   


5. 



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