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Today's jokes [7.11.19]

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A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the
hitch-hiker wakes up,"what the hell was that?". The truck driver
replies, "some kinda animal, go back to sleep."
Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"some kinda animal again."
Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"Some bastard!". "How terrible",says the hitch-hiker, "but there were
3 bangs"
The truck driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences
to get the bastard. . ."


Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.


   With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been
   formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting
   married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her
   face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.


An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about
20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart"?. No reply. 
Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 
5' and not a word. 
A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey"? 
His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."


   One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go
   home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that
   The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to
   tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
   "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
   truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
   we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
   road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
   "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
   Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
   take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
   8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
   story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're
   Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
   plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
   crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
   way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
   the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
   gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
   20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
   with his bare hands."
   Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
   moral to his story.
   Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."


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