Today's stories [6.8.19]
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Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a
group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to
show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the
effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ... the hard way.
Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was,
so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and
jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.
The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not
initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its
arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being
involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the
petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger.
"Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very
constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to
relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James
During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored,
and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three
pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a
team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from
the rhino's buttocks.
First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during
this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly
showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.
"It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield
our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that
Demuth was into it up to his neck.
Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to
keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her
and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass.
"I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."
Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with
the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of
course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov,
leader of the troupe.
Bachelor Blake had a telephone problem last summer. Some dude who
works a night shift apparently has a phone number almost identical to
Starting around midnight, he'd phone every hour and say, "Hey,
what're you doing there, Mister? Where's my wife?"
Blake'd reply, "You have the wrong number."
The man would snarl suspiciously, "Yeah, I'll bet!" cuss a short streak,
and hang up.
Blake put up with this abuse for exactly three nights. On the fourth
night, when the called and asked, "Hey, what're you doing...," Blake
interrupted in a frantic screech, "For Pete's sake, call the cops! My wife
followed me here, she's chasing your wife with an axe, and she's gonna...
The man hollered, "What happened? What? Are you there? Hold on, I'll send
the police!" The phone clicked, the dial tone came on, and Blake hasn't
been bothered by night calls since.
A friend told me "I can understand why men don't like vasectomies.
My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with MasterCard. He
forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his
house and knocked up my aunt."
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