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Today's jokes [5.9.19]

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God and the Computer

In the beginning there was the computer.  And God typed:
     
        %>Let there be light!
        #Please login.
        %>login God
        #Password?.
        %>Omniscient
        #Password incorrect. Try again.
        %>Omnipotent
        #Password incorrect. Try again.
        %>Technocrat
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
     
        %>Let there be light!
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
        %>Create light
        #Done
        %>Run heaven_and_earth
        #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
     
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
        %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters
             which are under and above the firmament
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
        %>Create firmament
        #Done.
        %>Run firmament
        #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
     
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
        %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
             and let the dry land appear and
        #Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
        %>Create dry_land
        #Done.
        %>Run dry_land
        #And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
                  
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
        %>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
        #Unspecified type. Try again.
        %>Create sun_moon_stars
        #Done
        %>Run sun_moon_stars
        #And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0
             errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
              
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
        %>Create fish
        #Done
        %>Create fowl
        #Done
        %>Run fish, fowl
        #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
             that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
             every winged fowl after its kind.
        #And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
                  
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
        %>Create cattle
        #Done
        %>Create creepy_things
        #Done
        %>Now let us make man in our image
        #Unspecified type. Try again.
        %>Create man
        #Done
        %>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
             and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
             of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
             earth
        #Too many command operands. Try again.
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 6 errors.
        %>Insert breath
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 5 errors.
        %>Move man to Garden of Eden
        #File Garden of Eden does not exist.
        %>Create Garden.edn
        #Done
        %>Move man to Garden.edn
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 4 errors.
        %>Copy woman from man
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 2 errors.
        %>Create desire
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in  
             Garden.edn
        #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
        %>Create freewill
        #Done
        %>Run freewill
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in 
             Garden.edn
        #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
        %>Undo desire
        #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
        %>Destroy freewill
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Help
        #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Create tree_of_knowledge
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in 
             Garden.edn
        #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
        %>Create good, evil
        #Done
        %>Activate evil
        #And God saw he had created shame.
        #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
            Garden.edn.  1 errors.
        %>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
        #Search failed.
        %>Delete shame
        #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
        %>Destroy freewill
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Stop
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again
        %>Break
        %>Break
        %>Break
        #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN 
             FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. 
             PLEASE LOG OFF.
        %>Create new world
        #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
             files before new ones can be created.
        %>Destroy earth
        #Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
        %>Y
        #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
        #MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
        #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
 
        #MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM
        #Please login.
        %>login God
        #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION
        #USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN
        #SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
        %>NEW
        #PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM
        %>God
        #NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME
        %>who is God
        #God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE
 
        #And NEW logged off



1. 




   This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
   in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
   "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
   man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
   service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
   Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
   some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
   gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
   Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
   cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
   on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
   guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the
   Chihuahua."


2. 




Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe 
case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the 
partying spirit. Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by 
providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, "Put 
this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by 
the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin and 
that is gonna be painful as hell to get out."
So, off Cinderella went to the ball in a great mood ready to dance the 
night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and no Cinderella. Her 
fairy-godmother is worried to death. 1..2...3am and no sign of Cinderella. 
Finally she comes home at 4am. The fairy-godmother was distraught. "What 
on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon. I've 
been worried sick about you."
"Oh don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named 
Peter-Peter."

3. 




What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

4. 




What do you call foreplay in Alabama?


                                         'Hey sis, you awake?'

5. 



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