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Today's jokes [5.5.19]

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Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The 
neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went 
"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK 
OFF!", the dog ate him!"

1. 




What did cinderella do when she got to the ball???

She choked...

2. 




A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small
boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to
reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to
the boys position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,
placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the
doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"



3. 




Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know
where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts
his arm out the plane, then brings it back in  and says
"We're just over Paris"
"How do you know" ask the others
"Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."
Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"
"How?" asks the others
"Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the
plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."
"How do you know that?" comes the reply.
"Because some bastard has just stolen my watch"

4. 




Question: What is 1 + 2 ?

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures,
you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

5. 



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