Today's jokes [5.2.19]
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A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy
Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?"
Son, "Well, before?"
Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son."
Son, "well what about after?"
Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough
examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad
news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS,
gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What
are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and
pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor.
"But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says
"I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument
that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar
look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar.
The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner
pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet.
The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks
it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching
all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back
a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his
octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give
you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the
bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another
look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner
comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up
and play that damn thing!
The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how
to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!
Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would
take to LICK a bathroom clean?
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you
loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you
using to gamble with?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."
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