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Today's jokes [5.13.19]

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Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.

1. 




I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the 
habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

2. 




The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed
with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of
cigarettes. 
One of the old villagers came up to him and said.
"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" 
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the
wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." 
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!" 

3. 




Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine? If so, have 
I got one for you! Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water soluble, 
crystalline red dye. Mix some into the persons wine and wait for them to 
take a leak. (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it goes in, and people have 
a tendancy to get really nervous when they start peeing what they think is 
blood! 

4. 




A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked. 
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

5. 



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