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Today's jokes [5.10.19]

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How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?

When you find a string in your bloody mary.

1. 




What is the difference between a dog and a fox? 

Eight beers. 

2. 




Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving 
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled 
the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that 
evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads 
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then 
there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these 
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' 
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I 
had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye 
know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for 
later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he 
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for 
inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you 
to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

3. 




A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding 
where to go for a drink.
The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the 
bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every 
third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."
The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for 
free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you 
actually been there?"
"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time." 

4. 




One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-
influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out
of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front
seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone
left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and
began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm
the Designated Decoy." 

5. 



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