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Today's jokes [4.5.19]

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich African king who was a very important
client. 
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary
is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,
...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to
dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat
diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No
problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I
want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I
want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and
calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods
his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." 
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to
think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints
her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I
want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African
dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I
cut."

1. 




I was shopping at our local supermarket.
When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of
me.
As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her,
"Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

2. 




More Jesse news... 

Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson 

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of 
procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the
population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the 
anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through 
masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation,
and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, 
and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I 
wore condoms to avoid contamination. 

She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her 
fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and 
the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation,
denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which
would require my hospitalization. 
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and 
rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation 
will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation 
has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further 
provocation. 

Sincerely, 

The Rev. Jesse Jackson 

3. 




Two truck drivers arrive in front of a tunnel. The sign says MAXIMUM 
HEIGHT 3 METERS. The first driver measures his truck and says, "Damn...3 
.2 meters!"
The second one looks furtively around and says, "No police, anywhere. We 
can go!"

4. 




Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania.  As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we
do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on.  That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around.  But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns.  "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer.  I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer.  The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes.  She then
opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

5. 



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