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Today's jokes [4.3.19]

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then 
when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and 
have his shoes.

1. 




The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was
aproached by his assistant.
"Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortitian.
"Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old
blond came in last night. Dead of course"
"What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition.
"I'm not sure",replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn
stuck up her cunt!"
"Are you sure?", said the Mortitian.
"Yes, come and have a look for yourself" ,said the assistant
opening the body bag.
The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.
"That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's
her clitoris"
"Are you sure?", said the assisitant,
"'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn". 

2. 




A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered 
that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a 
hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her 
lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a 
hair lip.

And, there were still 5 shaves left!

3. 




What do a moped and a blonde have in common?

     They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. 

4. 




Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear
walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running
shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear
slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first,
confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't
going to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said
the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

5. 



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