Today's jokes [3.9.19]
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The Math Test
California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word
problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:
The City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13
times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he
has to reload?
2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to
Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he
doesn't cut it?
3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks
will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of
cut will he need?
5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has
stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law
wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison,
and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet,
how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?
8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of
the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month
welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children
should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail
bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.
The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?"
He replies, "No."
She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don't want to get that again...!"
The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU"
written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises
her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies, "I
The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class. The next
day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written
on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy
raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special." "Thank you
sweetheart", the teacher says.
The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the
letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if
they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and
cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!".
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I
come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and then
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get
a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she
leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is battered
against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from
........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
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